I havent seen your face in a long time. You’re starting to fade out of my mind again. I don’t know if I like that or not. I’ve been debating on whether or not this is good for me, because I’ve been okay this year. I’ve been good. I wish I was better than that, I honestly wish I was amazing, great, wonderful. Any word that sounds ten times better than just, “good” or “okay.”
I don’t visit you anymore. I’m disappointed in myself, but more disappointed at the fact that I’ve pushed the memory of you far back.. Right in the back of my skull. I wish I was strong enough to keep visiting you, but I hate having to say goodbye countless of times after I leave. I hate the feeling afterwards. If I’m not with anyone there, I just feel alone and tired like the energy has been sucked right out of me. Like I left it there with you. Like you sucked it right out. Keep it. I guess, I don’t want it. I want you to be alive to be healthy, to be happy. But I can’t have that. I wish I could.
I think about you a lot, more than I should. Maybe it’s a bit unhealthy. But I don’t know what healthy is nowadays. Your parents are doing good now, I guess. I visit them almost every month, I know that’s a little bit but I can’t visit more because I hate walking in your house. I feel like you’ll be laying down on your bed, and that’s too much for me to deal with when I realize you aren’t there. Everyone is good. Your mom is smiling again. I’m so glad she is because she has a wonderful smile. Your house doesn’t feel dead anymore, it’s full of light, full of positive energy. It’s finally a family again. They still have all your pictures up, and I saw one of you and I laying on the grass together, the cute one where you were kissing my cheek and I was smiling like a total idiot. Your mom offered to give it to me, but I know she wanted to keep it so I let her have it. It looked nice there anyway.
I really do miss you more than I ever imagined possible. It’s been hard but the tears have faded out now, I guess I wasted them all on you. Josh made this really nice video about you, it had video clips and pictures of you. He showed it to everyone on Monday and that’s the first time in a while that I cried a lot. A lot of people did. There was one clip where you were laughing and hugging me then you called josh a fart, that just killed me. I can’t wait until I see your smile again, I miss you and I love you.